A Topic Section of the Recommended Reading List & Bookstore
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The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, by Gary Chapman, PhD, outlines five ways to express and experience love that Chapman calls “love languages”: receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion), and physical touch. Examples are given from his counseling practice, as well as questions to help determine one’s own love languages.
According to Chapman’s approach, each person has one primary and one secondary love language. He suggests that to discover another person’s love language, one must observe the way they express love to others, and analyze what they complain about most often and what they request from their significant other most often. He theorizes that people tend to naturally give love in the way that they prefer to receive love, and better communication between couples can be accomplished when one can demonstrate caring to the other person in the love language the recipient understands.
An example would be that a husband may be confused when he does the laundry for his wife and she doesn’t perceive that as an act of love, viewing it as simply performing household duties, because the love language she comprehends is words of affirmation (verbal affirmation that he loves her). She may try to use what she values, words of affirmation, to express her love to him, which he would not value as much as she does. If she understands his love language and mows the lawn for him, he perceives it in his love language as an act of expressing her love for him; likewise, if he tells her he loves her, she values that as an act of love.
The 5 Love Languages has transformed countless relationships. Its ideas are simple and conveyed with clarity and humor, making this book practical as it is personable. You’ll be inspired by real-life stories and encouraged by its commonsense approach. reading this book feels like taking a walk with a wise friend. Applying it will forever change your relationship—starting today.
The book has been on the New York Times Best Seller list since August 2009 and is a #1 best seller among Amazon’s books on the topic of love and romance. A new, revised edition of The Five Love Languages was released on January 1, 2015.
(Some book information above was adapted from Wikipedia.)
Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? by Jordan Paul, PhD, & Margaret Paul, PhD (Hazelden, 2002)
“This book is built around the concept of courageous honesty and the psychological insight that, in order to feel close, partners need to tell one another the truth about what they are thinking and feeling. The peace that a couple buys by avoiding difficult issues can eventually destroy the relationship they hope to protect. This book maps a path toward respectful honesty.” –Dennis Rivers, MA, author of “The Seven Challenges Workbook”
“The most important, useful and powerful book I have read on couple therapy since Virginia Satir’s Conjoint Family Therapy. One of the rare books that is both useful to the lay audience and indispensable for the clinician.” –Dennis Jaffe, Ph.D., author of “Healing From Within”
Publisher’s Description: Arguing with your spouse about the checkbook? The in-laws? Kids’ schedules? Couples think they fight about money, family issues, and time. But what are these conflicts really about? Family therapists Jordan Paul and Margaret Paul reveal how couple discord is often rooted in self-protection. Here, in their best-selling book, they help couples work through fears and false beliefs that block expression of loving feelings. The result? A freer, more joyful, and profoundly intimate relationship.
Amazon review by Jeremy J. Shapiro: For me this book is one of the most profound and important books I have ever read about relationships and communication. Although it is written as a book about marital relationships, it has implications for every kind of relationship, and not only intimate or dyadic ones. And, although it is written as a pop psychology book, I think it makes a real contribution to the social-scientific understanding of relationships and communication — that is, it stands up well as a general model of communication and relationship. I think it is a great book and would be of great value not only to those trying to solve relationship problems but to those wanting to understand the ways in which self and relationship are intertwined in general. It illuminates all of the areas of one’s life in which one communicates with others and, as another reader said, can be as valuable for understanding past relationships as for dealing with present ones. ISBN=9781568387963
Light in the Mirror A New Way to Understand Relationships (Ramira Publishing, Aptos, CA. 1995.), by Joyce and Barry Vissell
Books of this nature are myriad. What distinguishes the Vissell’s book from others is that it is grounded in the one place that truly creates understanding and thus cooperative communication – the place of vulnerability. Much of the advice and guidance in self-help and mainstream psychology is predicated on communicational technique but technique, absent an ongoing commitment to honesty, kindness and self-disclosure about feelings, cannot be effective. For any technique to work, there must be an underlying openness to change which can only happen when two people are willing to share with each other their fears, doubts, uncertainties, shames and guilts – in short – their vulnerability. And this kind of sharing often doesn’t happen because one or both people are afraid the other will use their vulnerability as ammunition during times of disagreement.
While perhaps not explicitly stated, there is a deep implicit spirituality underlying the Vissell’s book which seems to clearly provides the foundation for the faith and trust that must exist in order to be vulnerable with a loved one. Then the chicken and the egg question arises: which has to come first – vulnerability in order to have faith and trust in a partner, or faith and trust in order to be able to be vulnerable? I invite interested readers to find the answer to this question by reading the Vissell’s book. Review by Bob Freeman ISBN=9780961272050
Work in progress on this page. I asked R2-Woo-Hoo, my ChatGPT robot research assistant, to comb through thousands of book reviews and find the highest rated books on marriage and relationships published since the year 2000 (and not already on my selections above). (Surveys and summaries are two of ChatGPT’s strong points.) Here is the list, with ISBNs and links to Amazon. I will expand the book links in the future.
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller (2010) – This book draws on research in neuroscience and psychology to explain the science of attachment and how it affects relationships. The authors argue that people have different attachment styles, such as anxious, avoidant, or secure, and understanding your own style and your partner’s can help improve communication and build a stronger connection. The book offers practical advice on how to navigate the ups and downs of a relationship and build a lasting bond. ISBN: 9781585429134
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver (2015) – The authors draw on their research as leading marriage experts to provide a practical guide to building a successful marriage. The book outlines seven principles for building a strong and healthy relationship, such as building love maps, nurturing fondness and admiration, and turning towards each other instead of away. The book also offers exercises and activities to help couples put these principles into practice. ISBN: 9780553447712
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel (2006) – This book challenges the conventional wisdom about marriage and explores the tension between love and desire. The author argues that in long-term relationships, couples often struggle to balance the need for intimacy and security with the desire for novelty and excitement. The book offers insights into why this tension exists and practical advice for how couples can navigate it, such as by prioritizing eroticism and maintaining a sense of mystery and independence. ISBN: 9780060753641
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson (2008) – This book offers a practical and effective approach to building stronger, more secure relationships. The author draws on her experience as a leading couples therapist to provide insights into the science of attachment and how it affects our relationships. The book offers exercises and activities to help couples deepen their emotional bond and improve their communication. The author argues that by understanding and addressing our emotional needs, we can build stronger and more resilient relationships. ISBN: 9780316113007
Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs (2004) – The author argues that the key to a successful marriage is understanding and meeting each other’s needs for love and respect. The book explores the differences between men and women and provides practical advice for building a strong and loving relationship. The author draws on his experience as a pastor and counselor to offer a faith-based approach to marriage that emphasizes the importance of mutual understanding and support. ISBN: 9781591451877
For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn (2004) – This book offers practical insights into the inner lives of men and how women can build stronger relationships with them. The author draws on interviews and surveys with men to provide a unique perspective on what men want and need in a relationship. The book covers topics such as communication, sex, and emotional intimacy, and provides practical advice for how women can better understand and support their partners. ISBN: 9781590523179
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass (2004) – The author draws on her experience as a couples therapist to explore the often-difficult topic of infidelity. The book provides practical advice for how couples can rebuild trust and repair their relationship after an affair, and offers insights into the emotional and psychological dynamics of infidelity. The author argues that by understanding why affairs happen and taking concrete steps to rebuild the relationship, couples can emerge stronger and more resilient. ISBN: 9780743225502
The Relationship Cure by John Gottman (2002) – This book draws on the author’s extensive research on marriage and relationships to provide a practical guide to building stronger, more fulfilling relationships. The book covers topics such as communication, conflict resolution, emotional intelligence, and building intimacy. The author provides exercises and activities to help couples apply these concepts to their own relationship and build a stronger connection. ISBN: 9780609809532