These notes on Compassionate Listening were prepared for, and from the experience of Alaskans Listening to Alaskans About Subsistence, a Compassionate Listening project of Alaska Quakers and the American Friends Service Committee in Seattle. This project was founded by Gene Knudsen Hoffman.
It may be important to keep our specific context in mind while reading this section: that is, an ad-hoc group of peace workers coordinated by a single staff person to address a specific conflict over allocation and use of natural resources in Alaska.
What is Compassionate Listening?
Quaker peace activist Gene Knudsen Hoffman, who has pioneered Compassionate Listening as a peacemaking process, likes to observe that "an enemy is one whose story we haven't heard." This is the idea that once you truly hear another's story, and understand their grievances and sufferings, you will be unable to consider that person as an enemy. You may disagree with them utterly, or find their actions abhorrent, but even so you will see them as a human being.
Strangely, it doesn't always take listening in both directions for this understanding to run both ways. Once someone perceives that you see them as a unique human being, they will usually regard you the same way. This can open up tremendous opportunities for reconciliation and peace.
For Gene, as for many others, this is a spiritual practice, which for Quakers stems from the testimony of seeking "that of God" in every person. But Compassionate Listening is not solely a Quaker pursuit, and it does not promote or require any particular spiritual leaning on the part of those involved. This emerging discipline is being carried forward by (in person and with learning from) many faiths and secular fields.
Thich Nhat Hanh's Three Steps to Peace
Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh outlines the three steps to peace as:
- First, listen to the sufferings of all sides;
- Second, relate the sufferings of all sides to one another; and
- Third, bring all sides together so that they may hear one another.
This is the essential map of Com-passionate Listening. In the Alaskans Listening to Alaskans About Subsistence project, we have been very concerned about the second step, because part of the problem seems to be in people interpreting one culture to another and vice-versa. [As explained in the preceding chapter, there are serious conflicts in Alaska between the indigenous peoples who fish and hunt for subsistence and non-Native fishers and hunters who are part of the sport, recreation and commercial segments of Alaskan society.]
We did not want to exacerbate this, nor paint ourselves as experts or go-betweens. Technology has come to our aid, and video is proving to be a very good way for people from different backgrounds and points of view to be introduced to one another in the middle step.
How is Compassionate Listening different from mediation?
Compassionate Listening should not be confused with mediation or conflict resolution. While it can mediate or resolve conflict, as an approach, it seeks to address the roots of discord, not necessarily its results. Compassionate Listening directs itself not toward finding just resolution of conflict, but toward reconciliation of those involved, trusting that they will find their own, or will initiate a process toward, resolution and justice. Of course, good mediation involves compassionate listening. The main difference is that Compassionate Listening as a practice is not directed toward an outcome beyond reconciliation. We go into Compassionate Listening with the under-standing that true, lasting resolution is built on a foundation of mutual understanding, respect, even love.
Compassionate Listening seeks to establish this foundation by listening deeply to those involved in conflict, trusting that many people, when they truly feel heard, will be curious to hear the experiences of those with whom they have disagreed. There is a clear role for third-party listeners here, because very few of us are able to be listeners in situations where we ourselves are passionately involved.
Mainstream American culture generally does not teach listening skills. We function on a confrontational model of debate and reasoned argument, rather than on a model of listening carefully to all and arriving at understanding and synthesis.
Our paradigm is, "the best idea will win," not, "everyone has something to contribute to the best idea-which is probably something no one has yet thought of." It is important to note that both of these approaches are a search for truth, they are simply different approaches.
The combative approach will invariably leave someone behind, and may well sow seeds of future open conflict.
How is Compassionate Listening carried out?
This is a discipline in the making, and there are already a number of different models. Usually more than one listener is
involved, in a interview situation or panel situation with the speaker or speakers. There are varying degrees of formality to Compassionate Listening events, but they have in common that they are not venues for discussion or argument, but for listening. Speakers do not respond to what another speaker has said but relate their own experience.
Listeners do not contradict or respond with judgement, and limit their questions to open-ended questions to draw out more information or to make sure that they have heard correctly. Often one listener takes the role of moderator, and the listeners may agree ahead of time that only the moderator will respond to the speakers. Great attention is paid to the principle that attentive silence can be more welcoming of what a speaker needs to express than even the most open verbalized question.
Learning Listening Skills
So how can those of us who would like to be formal listeners (or simply to employ better listening in our lives) learn to listen compassionately in a culture which continually drowns out listening skills?
There are a number of resources for learning listening skills, all of which can be applied in the context of Compassionate Listening. Psychologists and counselors not only use good listening skills but often teach them to their clients, and many of the principles and exercises used to convey them can be found in popular literature on communication and relationships.
As with learning anything, observation, analysis, and practice will take you a long way. Hopefully, you have experienced being listened to at some time in your life when you really felt heard. You can learn a lot about what constitutes compassionate listening by thinking about when you do and don't feel heard.
Some examples...
A few "don'ts" in Compassionate Listening: Interruptions, advice, judgement or judgmental questions, are all barriers to true listening. In the context of friendship, the listener relating a similar story can help you feel heard or can feel dismissive or as though you've lost the stage. In formal listening, recounting "that reminds me of" stories is out.
The "do's" can be harder, especially when cross-cultural communication is involved. In general, it is important to learn enough about the other culture to avoid being rude, and it is also important not to worry too much, with or without culture as a factor. Some people find that nods and eye contact help them feel heard, others find this body language distracting and prefer to be listened to by someone who is very still.
The bad news is that it is extremely hard to train yourself to tailor your body language to someone else's preference, even if you know what that is (for instance, knowing that direct eye contact will be insulting to your speaker can help, but trying to keep much more in mind at the same time will effectively keep you from listening).
The good news is twofold: First, sincerity is the most crucial factor. Most people are able to accept a broad range of styles in a listener, provided that your attention is truly present and directed toward them. Second, this is one of the strengths of having a number of listeners present-speakers tend to pay most attention to the listeners who are giving them the cues that make them feel most comfortable, and will not give weight to the other cues in the group.
Compassionate Listening focuses on experience, validating each person's experience regardless of his or her convictions. Compassionate Listening hears and accepts convictions, seeking to let go of personal reaction and bringing attention always back to personal experience.
We may, once a trusting relationship is established, indicate that our own experience, or that of others, has led us to different convictions. If we do this, it is vital to reiterate at the same time that we hear the speaker's experience and the convictions that come from it. We must not elaborate our own position! If asked to do so, we might invite a conversation outside the context of the listening session or interview, explaining that we do not wish to make any secret of our own beliefs but that right now we are trying to concentrate and to better understand where the speaker is coming from. We might then ask an open-ended question about the speaker's experience.
In Compassionate Listening, we do not seek to change those who share with us, we seek only to love them. The more people are loved, the more freedom they have to respond to their own inner truth-which may or may not prompt movement. The only change we can be assured of going into it is that if we truly listen to our fellow human beings, we ourselves will be changed. As a listener, you are taking on the role not of judge or mediator, but of healer.
Where do grievances and sufferings come into it?
Everyone experiences pain, and pain is a great teacher. When we suffer, we also learn. But what we learn depends greatly on the reaction to our pain that we meet as children. As adults, chances are that we will internally and unconsciously give ourselves the same reaction to painful situations that we encountered growing up. Because all of us were raised by humans with human faults and limitations, we all have at least some experiences from which we have never healed.
What happens when people experience pain?
Listeners do not demand or direct that healing, and we come to the task knowing that our perception of what would constitute healing for the speaker may be wildly off-indeed, it may be we ourselves who most need to be healed.
What are the results of Compassionate Listening?
People who are involved with Compassionate Listening projects report them to be transforming experiences-usually for both the listeners and speakers. Those who have been polarized by or are deeply entrenched in an issue have the opportunity to be seen as uniquely important human beings, and often make use of the context to learn more about those on opposing sides. Thus, those in conflict have the chance to learn about one another as human beings and potential friends. For listeners, their understanding of the complexities of issues addressed are broadened and deepened. Their preconceptions are often shattered, their abilities to listen and be present are challenged and expanded. They find new understandings of themselves and others. Often listeners remark at what a reciprocal experience they have felt, despite only taking the role of listener. As for direct results in areas of present conflict, averting future violence, and potentially helping the political process to be more truly democratic, we'll wait and see....
A Word of Caution: When not to get involved with Compassionate Listening
What would happen if a listener responded negatively-even on the level of conviction and opinion-to what a speaker says?
This would be experienced by the speaker as further rejection of experience and of self. Instead of healing and room for growth, you'll wind up with re-injury, confusion, betrayal. Isolation of the speaker and further entrenchment may result.
Therefore, you must not try to take on the Compassionate Listening role in any public way around an issue where your own experience is too fresh or painful. You will get hurt, and you will hurt those with whom you set out to build bridges.
If you feel in your heart that a certain person or group is unreachable, evil, or beyond hope, DO NOT become involved in compassionate listening work with that group or individual! If you are already involved and find you feel this way, excuse yourself from the situation , or from the project.
It is perfectly all right to feel this way, and vitally important to recognize when you do. It may mean you need to rest and come back to it later, or it may mean that the work you are called to with this particular issue is not compassionate listening, but more direct activism. Consciousness-raising or working with other activists against the effects of those convictions that disturb you may be much more constructive work for you to do. You might wish to be involved in the Compassionate Listening project as a speaker, rather than a listener. No one of us can be a listener all the time or on every issue.
If you would like to know more about Alaskans Listening to Alaskans, please contact Cynthia Monroe at address shown below. Also, please see project update letter on next page.
Cynthia Monroe, Director
Alaskans Listening to Alaskans about Subsistence
1783 Morningtide Court
Anchorage, AK 99501
(907) 278-2582 -- altas@alaska.net
March, 2001 -- UPDATE
An Open Letter to All who work for Peace
From: Alaskans Listening to Alaskans about Subsistence (a project of the American Friends Service Committee)
Like many, Alaska Quakers have been sad to see bitterness and division as our State struggles with the current issues surrounding subsistence uses of fish and game. Together with the American Friends Service Committee, we formed a Com-passionate Listening project to gather small groups of Alaskans to learn about the experiences and values at the heart of the subsistence debate. Founded by Gene Knudsen Hoffman, and following her work, this expanding group -- listeners and participants alike -- has challenged itself to hear the human story of those with differing views. By listening fully to each other we hoped to find values we all hold in common.
We began with many meetings of either rural or urban groups. Then, from January 26-28, 2001, in Fairbanks, we brought participants from different cultures together. The two dozen urban and rural hunters and fishers who participated from Anchorage, Buckland, and Fairbanks found hope and common ground in the following:
> As Alaskans, we are stewards of a remarkable natural bounty. We share a sense of wonder, respect, and responsibility for the future of Alaska's wild places and rich gifts of fish and wildlife. > Through our Alaskan heritage of hunting, fishing, trapping and gathering we are part of wild Alaska. We value respectful and sustainable use of wildlife, fish, and other resources.
> Each of us has a personal responsibility to learn about and understand human involvement in Alaska's land and animals. > What we learn from elders and written history, families and communities creates our personal values. We want to teach new generations to hunt and fish with humility, to use resources without waste, and to share foods generously. > Many Americans lead lifestyles which distance them from the natural world. Direct experience on the land teaches us about our dependence on our environment and strengthens our commitment to protect our home for generations to come. > Alaskans can work together for sound management of hunting and fishing. Local people have deep under-standing of resources and harvest patterns in their areas. Those who travel to hunt and fish have a wide view of Alaskan resources. Biologists contribute scientific tools for studying wildlife and its changes. We support advisory bodies in which local people, other Alaskans and resource managers use all these sources of knowledge to reach shared decisions. > We are heartened by what we are learning from one another. Both our similarities and our differences can be opportunities for deeper understanding. We look forward to the questions we take with us from here.
Two dozen Alaskans is a small number. And there are difficult questions which the project has not yet explored. Yet the participants so far did not know they had so much in common. We hope that over time, more and more Alaskans from different backgrounds can build understanding and trust by listening to what we each care about the most.
Cynthia Monroe, Director
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